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Dear Abby: My boyfriend wants to marry me – but he’s ugly

DEAR ABBY: I’ve been dating a man for about a year. On the whole we get along well. We spend a lot of time together and he confesses his love for me. His intention is to stay together forever even though there was no proposal. I think I could continue this relationship indefinitely.

There’s just one thing: I’m not physically attracted to him. It’s presentable and well-kept, but that doesn’t make up for the fact that it’s homey. I am, to put it bluntly, a beautiful woman. I always dated “in my league.”

I try not to be superficial, but this really bothers me. Sometimes I’m just disgusted. I know we’re both getting older, but until then he’ll still be ugly. I have feelings for him. So should I try harder to overlook its flaws? — Torn in NEVADA over him

PREFER TO BE TORN: NO! For your own sake, please don’t do that. The man you are writing about deserves someone who will focus more on his inner qualities than you seem capable of. It shouldn’t be necessary to force yourself to like him. Since this bothers you so much, do both of you a favor and let him go.

DEAR ABBY: Years ago, my spouse’s friend “Valerie” invited us to lunch. I had never met her before, but had previously contacted her via email. Valerie obviously didn’t like me. We sat at lunch for four hours and during that time she never looked at me, although she sat across from me, she never spoke to me and never acknowledged my presence. It was humiliating and dehumanizing. Since we live in another state, it was clear to me that we wouldn’t see each other again.

Well, Valerie has now reconnected with my spouse through letters and emails and reestablished old bonds. I asked her not to let Valerie back into our lives. I’m upset that she accepted contact after Valerie treated me like that. My spouse did not address Valerie’s behavior and at the time of the incident I was asked to just let it go, which I did.

Now that Valerie has resurfaced, only contacting my spouse, and addressing cards only to my spouse, it is clear that the “game is back on.” My spouse has not supported my feelings and refuses to acknowledge Valerie’s rudeness during that lunch.

I don’t want to be friends with this person. My wife has made it clear that she intends to stay in touch with this person and not bring up any “old trash” with him. Am I wrong to ask her to forego this friendship and not let this person back into our lives? — UNKNOWN IN OREGON

Dear, unconfirmed: No, you’re not wrong. Ask your spouse why he is pursuing a relationship with Valerie, and if he wants to end your relationship, please say so now because you feel threatened by what Valerie is doing. It’s honest, and if your fears are true, it’s better to know now.

Dear Abby was written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and created by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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